I recently had a “Fuck it, I’m confident in my shooting ability” moment and came out to a bunch of my semi-conservative co-workers at a BBQ (I work for a rural fire department), And one of them started to awkwardly scoot away from me, so I said “Don’t worry dude, you’re not my type, I’m only interested in attractive men”. All of my other coworkers started laughing at the dude I said it to and a couple of them complimented me on my comeback.
The moral of the story is, When you come out to a new group of People, target the first person to look uncomfortable and roast them into oblivion.
this meme made me realise that other people apparently know how to show empathy without personal anecdotes
… how…. please teach me
I’m pretty sure none of us will get answers but please…if someone knows the secrets to showing empathy without personal anecdotes please speak up. We need answers
(Me (adhd + autism) can show empathy, but not sympathy. For me, it’s like I do the exact same thing, but as well as showing empathy through anecdotes I show sympathy through empathy).
I have somethin I guess? I’ve been the Support Friend for most of my life so I managed to get it down to a formula. TW: dog death
1. Ask Questions
This is mainly to keep them talking, that way a) they feel like they have a confidante in you, and b) the pressure is less on you to Say Things. In fact it shouldn’t be about you Saying Things at all, it should be you figuring out where they’re at and trying to understand. E.g. “My dog died, I miss him.” Ask questions, and when they start talking, let them talk. “What was his name?” “How and when did he die?” “Tell me about him.” “What was he like?” “What’s your favourite memory of him?” “When did you first meet him?” “Did you teach him any tricks?” Again the point is to keep them talking, the questions are just to get them on a roll. If you’re worrying about what to say next, listen to what they’re saying and ask details of what they’re currently talking about, or mentally prepare your next question.
2. Listen
Let them talk. The more you listen to them talk, the more they feel like it’s okay to talk to you. If they dwindle off, ask them something else to get them talking again. Upset people usually have a lot to say.
Every now and again you can throw in little sentences like “Wow, what a bitch!” “Aw, so sad.” “What the fuck? Why?” just to prove you’re still listening and following, and haven’t wandered off into space.
3. When they’re done, give it back to them
It’s a technique called mirroring. Sum up whatever you heard in short form - if they’ve talked for half an hour about the little details of their deceased pet, say something like “It sounds like he was a very good boy/sounds like he meant a lot to you/sounds like you will miss him.” It’s been known to make people dissolve into a sobbing mess, because this is the part where you prove you’ve done your homework, you listened, you care, you get it.
4. If you really want to offer a solution, ask first. You can just skip this step altogether tbh.
Only when someone has finished talking about whatever is upsetting them, ask if you can help. “Can I offer some advice?” Now is the time for SHORT anecdotes. Short. It’s not about you sharing your story, it’s about them getting advice. Remember they don’t have to take your advice, again it’s about them and their emotions, and they know themselves best. “When my dog died, I did this. Would that help?” “I read somewhere about doing this. Maybe try that and see how it goes?”
Hope this helps y’all. The TL;DR of all this is basically listen, and prove you’re listening.
Fun family story: when my aunt was marrying her wife everyone was really excited but also dreading it because my aunt is known for her insanely long speeches so everyone knew her vows would be like 9 hours long so when it came time for her to say her vows she had a shit ton of cue cards in her hands and even her wife started groaning and my aunt took a deep inhale and then unravelled all the cue cards which were taped together and they all just read ‘HOT DAMN’ in giant letters and those were my aunts vows.
And now since I officially have permission to use this photo
